


Old Habits

by Gonewiththeblizzard



Category: Political RPF - US 20th c., Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: F/M, Fake Marriage, Love, Past Relationship(s), Reunions, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-10-05 16:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20491625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gonewiththeblizzard/pseuds/Gonewiththeblizzard
Summary: After years of living virtually separate lives, Hillary's defeat in the 2016 election proves to be a turning point in her relationship with her husband. Will it be true that "old habits die hard"?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic in May, originally hoping to finish it before posting so I could give you guys regular updates but... I'm not that disciplined :P I have 5 chapters written so far, please pray for me not to be lazy and keep writing!  
I hope you like the first chapter!

Bill Clinton walked carefully but purposely along the corridor towards his bedroom and his ensuite bathroom. He didn’t want to wake Hillary up from her nap. He knew very well she had barely slept the night before, having heard her sobbing from his bedroom all night long. It broke his heart seeing her like this, beating herself up for all her failures and shortcomings that prompted the election of Trump. They were by no means unaware of the influence Russian interference and fake news had on the election, but the outcome was the same: she lost, and he could almost hear her internal monologue with herself that could be summed up in three words: I wasn’t enough.

Part of him wished he could go in there, wrap her in his arms and not let go until she believed she was enough, that she should be proud of herself like he was. Yet he recognized the hypocrisy of it, coming from the man who had always made her feel less of herself. That’s why they broke up as a couple and were now barely old friends living together, both having changed so much they sometimes felt like strangers. Yet, in the world stage they were still _Billary_, the enduring couple who had been together through thick and thin. 

When Hillary finally gave up on them on a cold January morning in 1999, they sat together to talk about their future. He still remembered the coldness and the level-headiness with which they agreed on keeping up the farce, pretending their marriage was alive and well. It would be good for both, they though. The last thing Bill needed when the Senate was considering removing him from office was having his wife abandone him. Hillary on her part, was still considering whether to run for office in New York and she thought that having Bill by her side couldn’t hurt, as he remained extremely popular in upstate New York. It was meant to be a temporary, mutually-beneficial agreement.

He got acquitted, she got elected. He moved to Chappaqua, New York; and she spent most of her time in Washington D.C. They would divorce when they had the time but with Hillary’s meteoric rise to the top of American politics, it became less of a priority for her. Bill never brought it up. For him, all the time they were still legally married was his to get her back. He went to therapy, worked hard to get her back and even abstained from dating and sex for two years… until he learnt about her little friend Johnny down in D.C. That was when he knew he’d lost her forever. Eventually, he moved on, too.

Angela, his current girlfriend of six years, was Hillary’s age but as different from Hillary as she could be. Perhaps that was he was looking for. With her curly ginger hair and her emerald eyes, she looked as Irish as her ancestors who emigrated during the Great Famine. She was tall and slim, with an athletic build with remnants of her past as an elite athlete and later in life as a P.E. teacher in the local high school. She was now retired but she was still fit and went to the gym every day. She was also a vegan. In fact, they met at a meeting for the Association of Vegans of Westchester. She was a speaker, he went to ask her a question after her panel and the rest was history. Bill loved her, maybe not as much as he’d loved Hillary but she made him happy. She kept him sane and balanced in a world of craziness. 

He missed her so much. These past three weeks since that fateful November morning had been hectic; there were still many issues they had to solve, many explanations to give. With the press following their every move he couldn’t just sneak away to visit his girlfriend. The last thing he wanted was add to Hillary’s pain by prompting another story about how not even her husband wanted her. Luckily, the media had backed off a little lately and they weren’t waiting for them outside their home. It was the perfect moment for him to finally see her. They were going for dinner at her house in Pleasantville and… hopefully he would spend the night there. He was deprived of her company, of her mind and her body and he didn’t know how long he could go on like this.

When Bill was ready to go in a blue sweater and jeans, he stopped in Hillary’s room to check on her before he left. Without turning on the light he surveyed the three lumps on the bed: Hillary, Maisie and Tally. She didn’t like their dogs on her bed but he was sure she was grateful for the comfort their loyal dogs provided in a moment like this. He focused on her; so little, exposed, vulnerable. She was so good, so kind, so hard-working, she’d never deserved any of the pain and disappointments. Time and again he wondered if she would have been happier without him, unable to love her like she deserved, without his past mishaps that were still a burden after all these years and helped bring her down once again. He wondered if she thought about that too. If she reckoned she could have probably been happier had she not introduced herself at the library. His eyes filled with tears and he knelt on the floor before her, feeling guilty. Maybe he shouldn’t go out tonight. Staying with her sacrificing his own wants was the least he could do. He was studying her beautiful features in the dark when her phone lit up signaling an incoming message.

Should he look? That would surely be an invasion of her privacy but he told himself that maybe it was important and he’d have to wake her up. _Hey babe! I miss you. Call me when you can. Here’s a little something to make you feel better_, he read and saw that there was a picture attached. He couldn’t see it without unlocking her phone but based on the eggplant and drops emojis accompanying it, he got an idea of its subject. The sender’s real name was also concealed with a heart emoji. For a second he felt something resembling jealousy coursing through his veins but he put himself under control. They were not together, he had a girlfriend he was about to have a date with and she had every right to have a boyfriend who sent her pictures of his anatomy.

He attributed his jealousy to his worrying about her. Apart from Johnny and a couple others, the rest of her partners had remained nameless and faceless to him but he’d seen her cry. He just didn’t want anyone else to break her heart again, to use her and abuse her until they got tired of her. He hoped this man wasn’t one of those Casanovas cashing in on her fame. She deserved better. She deserved to be loved like he should have loved her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely comments in the first chapter! I hope you like this one :D

Bill arrived home earlier than expected. Needless to say, his night hadn’t gone out as planned and he was embarrassed and mad at himself. Angela had been sweet and understanding, blaming it on the stress he was subjected to but nevertheless he was scared. Dirk, as he jokingly called his member, had only failed him once before, after his second open-heart surgery in 2010. Back then, his cardiologist had warned him that erectile dysfunction was a side effect of his medication and although he was single back then and had no other choice but to accept it, he feared he was never going to be able to have sex again. However, when he became a vegan, not only did his heart g<strike>e</strike>t young again, Dirk did too.

Angela was the first women he had sex with after the surgery. He used to joke she was literally an angel who could bring the dead back to life. Now not even she managed to wake Dirk up and he was scared. Was this just a one-time glitch or would the problem persist? His doctors had advised him against taking Viagra or similar meds and although he knew there were other ways for him to get Angela off, he feared those would not truly satisfy her and she would leave him for someone younger, with more stamina and a working dick. Rationally, he knew those fears were unfounded; she loved him, he was sure of that and he would probably be able to have an erection again. Yet he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep well that night. 

He tiptoed up the stairs to his bedroom so as not to wake Hillary up, but when he walked past her room, he heard some noises that denoted that asleep she wasn’t. He paused for a second, was he hearing what he thought he was hearing? A loud moan dissipated his doubts; yes, Hillary was having sex. His curiosity was piqued and so was his anger. They’d made a pact to keep their dalliances and affairs from the other and she had to choose this particular day to bring a man home and fuck him under the roof they shared? His nose flared and he felt the urge to barge in there and interrupt her tryst, but he realized he had no right and she didn’t deserve it. He would have to resign himself to lying awake all night unable to sleep due to her moans and screaming because he still remembered how loud she could be. 

He wondered who the mystery man was. She had gotten so good at keeping her relationships secret and this was the first time he was so close to finding out the identity of the man his wife was sleeping with. He noticed the door was slightly ajar and he was once again torn between invading her privacy or letting her be. Eventually, his curiosity overtook his ethics and he got closer to take a peek. 

What he saw, he wasn’t expecting. There was no man in sight, just Hillary splayed out on the bed. She was wearing a black silky mid-thigh nightgown and a naughty hand was playing between her legs. He was transfixed as he watched her fingers pumping in and out of her wet heat. He thought about the many times it was his own fingers performing that pleasurable task, how those moans that still sounded so heavenly used to be his reward. He felt a stirring between his legs and he was both shocked and guilty for getting an erection watching the woman who legally was his wife but hadn’t behaved as such for years touching herself and not while in bed with his actual girlfriend. But there was nothing he could do. For all her faults Hillary had always been extremely hot. He thought about leaving and taking care of his business in the privacy of his own bedroom, but then he looked at her face and he was glued to the floor. Hillary was the epitome of sensuality; with her mouth open letting out the most enticing sounds. Her eyes were closed, signaling she’d completely abandoned herself to the pleasure she was feeling. Unable to hold himself any longer, he moved his hand to his crotch and started rubbing himself. He reckoned that if he were quiet, he could keep enjoying the show a little longer. After all, it was better than any porn movie and Bill really needed the relief after some weeks with no action.

Bill watched as Hillary freed one of her creamy breasts and started playing with her pebbled nipple. Without further ado, he proceeded to slowly pull his pants and boxers down his legs. His cook immediately sprang forward and he had to stifle a groan. He wrapped his hand around it and started moving it up and down, his eyes never leaving Hillary. How he wished it was her hand or better yet, her hot mouth. He stopped that train of thought, not wanting to relive the painful memories oral sex brought back. He picked up his pace when he felt she was almost there. He could still read the signs; she was overzealous, frenetically finger fucking herself and moaning so loud now she was almost screaming. After one piercing scream just like those that wreaked havoc with his hearing twenty years ago, she relaxed. At the same time, Bill exploded and furiously stroked his cock until he milked the last drop of his cum. 

“That was amazing, babe. You’re so hot” Bill heard a male voice faintly say and he stilled. 

_So she wasn’t’ alone, _he thought, both embarrassed and slightly jealous he hadn’t been the only one enjoying her performance. He saw her reach over to grab her iPad that was propped up on a stand to give the mysterious man a better view. He silently chuckled, so she didn’t just use facetime to see their grandchildren. He couldn’t help but think about how much fun they’d have had if that kind of technology had existed twenty or thirty years ago. 

“My pleasure, literally” she said and she laughed. It wasn’t her usual laughter full of joy but this was the first time she’d sounded remotely happy since the election and putting his jealousy aside, he was grateful to that man for that. 

He looked around and was horrified at the mess he’d made. He didn’t remember cumming like that in years and if he didn’t clean it up soon, Hillary would surely notice in the morning. He went to the bathroom to get some wipes and started cleaning out the floor and the door, careful not to push it open and expose himself. He didn’t know whether to feel lucky or disappointed that he couldn’t quite hear Hillary speak to that man. She was whispering, like only people in love do. Like they did when she was working in Washington on the Nixon impeachment and living with Sara Ehrman and he’d call in the middle of the night because he missed her. He remembered her giggles, how happy he used to make her before he screwed up, time and again. He just hoped this mystery man wasn’t like him. 

He went to his bedroom and got ready for bed. His embarrassment and guilt were no longer at the forefront of his mind and Bill lay there obsessing about that man’s identity. What did he look like? Was he younger than him? Stronger? More attractive? What was his job? Where did they meet? How long had they been having a fling? Was he serious with Hillary? Were they going steady? Would she divorce him for that man? Despite the anxiety and curiosity those questions were causing him, eventually he fell asleep and for the first time in three weeks, he slept through the night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! I'm currently working on my thesis and I barely have time to breathe. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy the update!

Hillary woke up the following morning feeling more optimistic and strong than she had in weeks. Some days were better than others but she was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A little bit of technological fun with a certain someone always helped. Hillary had been irrationally afraid he’d leave her when she lost but quite the contrary. Despite the distance, he was always there for her, calling her and worrying about her and brightening her darkest days. He made her feel good but she was cautious. This feeling of butterflies in her stomach whenever they talked was not new to her and it had never worked out before. She just didn’t want another disappointment in her life, not right now. She didn’t know if she could take it. 

She shook those negative thoughts off her head. Negativity only attracted bad luck and she needed to focus on healing, on finding a new purpose after her dreams were savagely crushed. She would be happy again, with or without him. Besides she had many reasons to be grateful for; her health, her intelligence, her family, her friends… it wasn’t over for her. After this improvised pep talk akin to the ones she gave herself every morning to make her devastating defeat more bearable, Hillary put on her robe and slippers and went down the stairs to get breakfast. Her dogs greeted her at the foot of the stairs, shaking their little tails, genuinely happy to see her. She felt herself getting emotional as she crouched to pet them. Everything made her want to cry these days but there was something about the unconditional loyalty of her little Maisy and Tally that hit her in the feels. No matter what she did, no matter how bad she failed, they would always love her. It comforted her. 

She shuffled to the kitchen, thinking about what she’d do today. She couldn’t spend another day in bed watching Netflix and eating ice cream like your typical cliché depressed teenager in a chick flick, but the prospect of facing the world scared her. She didn’t want the sorry looks, the commiseration or even worse, the laughter and the mocking. She knew she couldn’t avoid it forever. In fact, she had already stepped back into the spotlight for two events and she was sure there’d be more to come in the future but at the moment the least Hillary wanted was to be the center of people’s chitchatting if she could help it. She would make her ultimate return to the public scene carefully and on her terms. Going back to her plans for today, she thought that perhaps she could call Pete, her yoga instructor or at the very least work out on her own, something she badly needed if she wanted her good health to still be something to be grateful for. And later she could invite some friends over and just engage in some harmless gossip and ranting and yes, drink some Chardonnay. 

“Good morning” Bill said, startling her. He was sitting on a stool, wearing his old 1986 Razorbacks sweatshirt and working on the latest New York Times crossword as he sipped his coffee.  
It was a casual, almost quotidian scene, reminiscent of those mornings they used to share when they were still together. In fact, if not for the glasses that denoted his tired eyesight and his now snowy white hair, Hillary was able to picture him looking just like that in a very different kitchen, that of the Governor’s Mansion in Little Rock, enjoying a fleeting moment of quiet peace before Chelsea woke up and their frenzied daily routine started. But at the same time, it was so out of the ordinary Hillary almost felt like a fish out of the water. In the years since their separation, they had rarely had breakfast together alone, going to lengths to avoid the other in the morning. It had become a habit she didn’t question anymore but today she was reminded why they took that determination. There was something particularly intimate about having breakfast with him but it wasn’t until that moment she remembered how awkward it could be when things were less than good between them. 

“Good morning” she forced a smile and to her surprise, it came more easily than she thought. “Did you sleep well?” She walked over to the fridge to retrieve some milk and eggs. 

“Yes I did” he replied, but it was a lie. He couldn’t tell just her he had barely slept because he kept obsessing about the mysterious man he saw her masturbating for. He told himself he definitely wasn’t going to ask her how she slept. 

“I’m glad” she simply said and started making her breakfast. She thought he’d sounded harsh but she didn’t care. She didn’t want to deal with his pissy mood and whatever was bothering him. 

“Hillary, stop!” he called her when he realized she was cracking an egg, but he scared her with his abruptness and she dropped it to the floor. She cursed and shot him a killer look before kneeling down to clean it. “I’m sorry” he apologized and went to help her. They were so close to one another but neither said a word. Hillary thought that awkward was an understatement. 

“So… You don’t have to make breakfast. Maria made some blueberry pancakes before she left for her day off. She put them in the microwave for you to heat them up” what he omitted was that he had specifically asked Maria to cook them, knowing they are Hillary’s favorite. Bill sat back on the stool and returned to his crossword, not giving her another look. 

Sometimes he didn’t understand himself, he was the one who’d broken their unspoken agreement to have breakfast with her and now he didn’t know what to say and was just being rude. Last night, he realized he wanted to spend more time with her because he thought they were becoming strangers. This morning, he got his confirmation. Apart from his lover, Hillary used to be his best friend, with whom he could always talk, joke, debate… but that wasn’t the case anymore. Surely, they still talked from time to time but only about banal and/or impersonal topics like politics. They just didn’t connect anymore, and he didn’t know what to do to fix it. And his pissy attitude was only making things worse.

Hillary observed him quizzically as she sat in front of him to eat her pancakes. She truly couldn’t read him anymore. She couldn’t tell if he was angry or annoyed because of something she did or if he’d simply become grumpier in the mornings as he got older. She also didn’t know why he was so adamant in staying in the kitchen if he wasn’t going to talk to her. Heck, they have a big house with plenty of rooms for him to solve his crossword puzzle, why did he have to ruin her breakfast? The awkward silence was getting on her nerves and she thought she was going to have to do something to break it. 

“Emma” she said and he looked at her, confused. “7 across. Novel on which Clueless is based: Emma, by Jane Austen.”

“Huff, thank you. I was really struggling with that one. I don’t even know what Clueless is, I’m the clueless one here!” he chuckled to himself at his bad pun and was surprised when she joined him in laughing.

“Oh it’s a movie! From 1995. I remember the night I watched it with Chelsea in the White House. We got it before it came out as a special gift from the producer for Chelsea´s birthday. But you couldn’t watch it with us, at that time you were probably… “she trailed off and Bill interrupted her.

“What, Hillary? Ruling the country? Dealing with an international crisis?” he said, defensively. He truly didn’t want her bringing up his affair. 

“C’mon Bill, both know you weren’t doing that. You were…” she bit her lip playfully “definitely watching the playoffs” she deadpanned, masterfully dancing around the pink elephant in the room and saving the day. 

In the years since their separation she’d become an expert in avoiding those painful memories in social situations mostly thanks to her humor. She told herself that she could either laugh or be awkward and if she chose the former, people would think it didn’t still affect her. Maybe one day it wouldn’t. Certainly, with every joke at her own expense, the pang in her heart became less intense. So she smiled and giggled as Bill chuckled. 

“That’s right! I remember I was rooting so hard for Orlando that year, I even bought a Shaquille O’Neal jersey! Man, even back then I knew he was going to be a legend” Bill reminisced wistfully. 

“Oh I remember that jersey! You wore it for every game! Heck, you even slept in it some nights…”

“I had to support my man!” 

They kept the light banter until Hillary finished her breakfast. They were surprisingly at ease as they reminisced about the good old days in the kitchen. But they had to go back to the present, a present in which they barely knew anything about each other, where the shadow of his betrayal still hung heavy. Nevertheless, if anything, this conversation reminded them of how happy they were once and if they made an effort, they could get along well. It had been twenty years! But no one dared to take the first step. 

Hillary stood up to load the dishwasher and Bill went back to the crossword, but he couldn’t focus. It was ridiculous, he wasn’t going to ask her for a date in a romantic sense, he just wanted to spend some more time with her. What would be the worst that could happen? That she’d reject him? It hadn’t been the first time; he would get over it. He decided he would just say it.

“Hey Hill. It’s such a beautiful day, do you want to go for a walk in the woods?” when he was finished, he realized it had indeed sounded like a date. He tried to fix it “I mean, we have been neglecting our kids for too long I’m sure they would like to go on a family walk” he half-joked, referring to Maisie and Tally who as if on command, appeared through the archway. It made them both smile. 

“Ok girls, what do you say? Do you wanna go for a walk with mommy and daddy?” Hillary asked them playfully as they started jumping and waging their tails. Hillary laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes” she turned to Bill “I’ll just go take a shower and change and we can go. Give me an hour.” 

Unable to help himself, he smiled as he watched her go up the stairs to get ready. He couldn’t explain it but there was a growing optimism in his heart. Maybe it would all get better between them, maybe he could even get his best friend back. What he knew for sure is that he was going to try his hardest.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone meet Hillary's boyfriend! Enjoy!  
Thanks for your support and sorry again for the delay and for any mistakes.

Against all odds and despite their complicated history, they clicked so effortlessly. Many more outings followed that walk in the woods, much to the delight of their dogs and of Hillary, who’d found a simple yet very effective solace in the leafy paradise that surrounded their home. She and Bill often talked on their walks, about all kinds of things, even venturing into personal territory sometimes although they were still not comfortable discussing their love lives with each other. Other days, however, the mood was more somber and they would just walk in silence, with her reflecting on her past, present, and future as he just watched her. He’d found a renewed love in watching her, in trying to guess what tickled her, what made her sad or angry. The answers weren’t always the same as when they were together and Bill was enjoying rediscovering his wife. 

Apart from the woods, they also hit the city. They often went to Broadway, where they were greeted with boisterous standing ovations and a thousand hugs and selfies. He watched as she slowly became more comfortable around people, how her eyes wouldn’t get watery so easily when someone shared their hopelessness after her loss and how she would channel her despair into advocacy for empowerment, for resilience. Some things never changed and she was still the strongest woman he’d ever met. 

But there were also quieter evenings dining out with friends and/or with Chelsea. Bill found himself liking those even more. There was something very familiar in seeing her socialize with people she cared about, especially if Chardonnay was involved. It reminded him of her incredibly funny, goofy side he saw so little these days. He missed that. Little by little things were getting back to normal, and not that “new normal” he´d come to resent, but to the good old days when they were happy together. Minus the romantic part. 

Although Bill was spending more time with Hillary, he was careful not to neglect Angela. She was his girlfriend after all and they were in love. Dropping everything to pursue Hillary again did not seem feasible nor appealing at that point. They’d been down that road before and it hadn’t worked out. Hence, he’d just settle for a friendship, no matter how attracted to her he still was. After that night when he spied on her while she masturbated, she was a recurring presence in his fantasies but he was adamant in keeping her there. Believe it or not, he’d learnt his lesson. He would not risk what he had with Angela to try and resuscitate an old ghost. 

Hillary on her part remained unaware of the lascivious gazes Bill threw at her when she wasn’t looking. As unlikely as it seemed considering their history and how much she’d loved him, she just saw him as a friend and nothing else. But there was someone else knocking on the doors of her heart at that very same moment. After Bill and a few other disappointments she’d rather not name, she’d told herself she would never allow herself to fall in love again. But her heart seemed to be a glutton for punishment and despite her mind’s efforts, she was indeed falling. 

His name was Konstantinos or Kostas, as his friends and Hillary called him. Son of a Greek father and a Croatian mother, he was the CEO of an investment company based in London that had recently opened a branch in New York City. Blessed with an imposing 6’ 3’’ frame, piercing blue eyes, tan skin and thick black hair, he could have worked as a model or an actor, but he was as smart as he was handsome and he had started out as an intern in a small firm only to become the CEO and make it a growing multinational. At the same time, he also had a caring empathetic heart and a great sense of humor. To sum up, he had the ingredients to make Hillary crazy. At 54, he was a lot younger than her, not a child but young enough to make her a cougar in the eyes of the world, or worse, a sad old woman being taken advantage of for her money and fame. She knew that if the news of their affair got out, it would prompt rumors, conspiracy theories, cruel mocking and cyberbullying. Even those who were usually fair to her would ask themselves: what in the world is he doing with her? 

Hillary wondered the same thing. He was so out of her league; he could have any woman he wanted. Yet for some reason she couldn’t fully comprehend, he seemed to want her. And she was scared, scared because she was falling too hard and too fast, unable to shake the feeling that sooner or later he would realize he could do better and break her heart. Yet paradoxically, in these trying times she found herself relying on him more and more and he was rising up to the occasion. They texted each other every day and met up whenever he was in the city. Hillary loved spending the night at his penthouse overlooking the Hudson, having dinner, watching Netflix and of course making love. Naturally, not everything was rosy but the darker days and occasional fights were nothing compared to the good ones. 

Despite her evergreen doubts and trepidation, Hillary felt safe and stronger with him, something she didn’t know she was craving. For years she’d convinced herself that she didn’t need it, that she was a strong woman who could thrive without a man and technically, she could, but in these dark wintery nights she found herself grateful to have him supporting her, caring for her. Hillary didn’t want to think about love just yet, she wasn’t ready, the whole concept still reminded her of things she’d rather forget, but for the first time in many years she seriously started thinking that maybe he could be the one. Thus, she tried her best not to overthink, not to second-guess, not to become paranoid and ruin the only good thing that had happened to her in a long time. It was about time she focused on being happy. 

One particularly cold winter night, Hillary was in Kostas´s apartment, standing at the large expansive windows overlooking the New Jersey skyline with only a blanket clutched around her naked body to ward off the chill inside. The ground below her was covered in snow and she watched as people went on about their lives in the city that never sleeps, with smoke billowing from their mouths into the cold atmosphere. Yet it was the skyscrapers that got her attention. It was well past midnight but many offices remained alit. She thought about the people in those buildings that late at night, the hardworking ambitious ladies doing twice as much as the male coworkers to get just as far, the workaholic lone wolves that buried themselves in works to forget their sorrows, the idealists that worked long hours to support their dreams, the breadwinners that would do everything to support their families… she’d been each and one of them at different points in her life yet now she stood there clueless, undecided about what path to take to keep forging her legacy, to go back to making a positive impact in the world. 

Retirement was not in the cards, it never had been because no matter how scarred she was after her last resounding failure, she knew she was capable and experienced and had a lot to give. Yet she wondered how would the world, particularly her own country that had so cruelly rejected her take it? Would they welcome her back? Lately, all she seemed to read were news clamoring for her to go away forever, to remain in the woods as they publicly voiced their discontent with her campaign and her own flaws that gave them Trump. It was so unfair and she thought that maybe she should do something to take control of the narrative but she was paralyzed by uncertainty. Would anybody want to listen to her? Would anybody care at all? She sighed, feeling the anxiety rising on her chest as her heart constricted. She knew that feeling very well, the trepidation of not knowing whether she was wanted, needed, _loved. _So many years after it was still so vivid and recurrent it almost brought tears to her eyes. But she couldn’t help but smile when she felt Kostas’ strong arms wrapping around her waist and she leant back into his chest.

He playfully bit her earlobe and motioned for her to turn around but he was taken aback when he saw the sadness in her eyes. “What´s wrong?” He asked, his playfulness turned sweet concern.

“Nothing” she mumbled, fully aware that he wouldn’t believe her. Her eyes became watery and she averted his gaze. 

She had never allowed herself to be this vulnerable around him, not even in the aftermath of the election. Not many people knew this side of her, that this cheerful optimistic woman who was so focused on moving onwards harbored such sadness deep inside her heart. She simply refused to let anyone know that every time the dam that kept that darkness at bay broke, she would find herself crying over the most stupid things and all her past mistakes and losses. Those sad childhood memories, that distant youth she oftentimes felt she squandered, those she missed and those she wished she’d never met and the loneliness and the insecurity that never seemed to leave her. It was ridiculous, considering how privileged she’d always been but there was nothing she could do other than hide this great shame of hers. She’d only completely opened herself to one man in her life, Bill, and instead of protecting her and helping her heal he only added to her pain as he broke her heart. No, she wasn’t going to risk it by letting Kostas in.

“I was just thinking about the election. Don’t worry, I´ll get over it. I’m not gonna let that orange man ruin our night.” she lied, blaming it all on Trump and gave him her well-rehearsed downplaying smile. Kostas appeared satisfied with her answer but when the movie they watched was over, he probed her again. 

“Are you sure you are ok? You have barely touched the ice cream and it was chocolate!” he exclaimed, making a funny face to express his false outrage that made Hillary laugh.

“I just wasn’t very hungry. I had quite a lot to eat before the show” she said, referring to the musical she and Bill had seen before going to Kostas’ apartment.

“With Bill?” she nodded. “And did you have fun?” he asked and Hillary inadvertently raised an eyebrow. He never asked about the man she was legally married to. When they were together, it was as if that other part of her life did not exist. 

“Yes, it was nice. Why are you asking?” 

“It’s just that you never talk about him. I’m curious, you seem to be spending a lot of time with him lately.” 

“Are you jealous?” she playfully teased him, trying to avoid that conversation she just knew Kostas wanted to have. She knew she couldn’t avoid it forever, in fact, it was probably time to come clear to him about Bill but she still wasn’t ready. 

“Maybe a little. You are so sexy and I know you like to play” he smiled and kissed her softly. She kissed him back but he broke the kiss before it became too passionate. “Seriously, you confound me. When we started seeing each other you told me you two were only together in paper for the sake of your career but you never gave me more details. But with all due respect you don’t need him politically anymore and then there you are, spending more time with him than ever. Is there any secret plan I’m not aware of? Is it genuine? I honestly thought you didn’t like him and I wouldn’t blame you after all he put you through.”

“It’s more complicated than that” she gave him a vague answer in her last attempt to avoid this difficult topic she couldn’t even make sense of.

“Then tell me, Hillary. You know everything about Mirna” he said referring to his ex-wife. “Help me understand you a little bit better.”

She sighed, he was right. It was time to come clean about Bill.


End file.
